To be placed on Craigslist and ran in The Observer after minor editing:

Large people who get in the way of other large people: No offensive line experience needed!  If you have played o-line at any level - including touch football once a year on Thanksgiving- you are already over qualified.  Applicants need to only be able to see a person in front of them and delay that person's movement in your direction from anywhere to a half-second to as long as possible.  Current employees practice the "falling down" technique, which is not advisable, but allowed.

Also will be needed on "screen plays", where applicants will be out in front of a teammate with the ball trying to give him more room to run.  This is much like your position on the line, where just getting in front of people and trying to delay their movement in a certain direction for as long as possible.

If applicants have no offensive line experience, then we ask that they be familiar with the awkward situation in a hallway or store aisle where you and a person walking the other way both accidentally step in the same direction trying to get around one another.  Even if you do this on purpose as a method of flirting with an attractive co-customer, we assure you, your footwork is probably better than our current employees.

Additionally, if you're capable of bending over and giving the ball to the "quarterback" through your legs to initiate the play, that would be fantastic.  Sometimes the quarterback will be a couple of yards behind you, but we assure you, with some practice, you'll be successful.  Current employee has been with us doing this for four seasons and still struggles, so this is a low pressure job.

Smaller people to guard other smaller people in space: This is known as the "cornerback" or "safety" position, but you're basically going to try and run alongside an opponent who is having the ball thrown to him.  This seems very difficult, and it is, but we know it's possible because we've seen other people do it before.  If you're "defending" an opponent and you notice his eyes become big as he looks for the incoming ball, we'll try to teach you to "turn around", and "have some idea where the ball is in the air".  If your only response is to shove your opponent to the ground so he can't make a catch, that's okay for now, because our current employees are only aware of that.

"Special teams" captain: Looking for someone with leadership abilities, although not necessarily talent, because current employee has neither.  If you're unaware of how to actually play special teams, that's fine, but if you can restrain from a few grievous errors that result in "penalties" on your company, you'll be kept in high regard.  Example: if an opposing player loses his helmet in front of you, do not bend over and repeatedly punch him.  While the vague term "special teams" may seem difficult to understand, we assure you, with hours of practice and even an ounce of common sense, you'll be on par with the current position-holder.

Medium-to-large sized person to run in front of ball-carrier at other medium-to-large sized people and get in their way: This position isn't utilized much in this company, but it's similar to the "Large people who get in the way of other large people".  On certain plays, a "ball-carrier" will be given the ball behind you, at which point it will be your job to run in front of him and try to impede the progress of one or more "would-be tacklers".  Whether you dive at their knees, wave your hands frantically or throw your body into them only to be forced painfully to the ground, you'll probably be better than our current position-holders, who miss the opponents completely in their limited opportunities in this role.

Also would potentially gain hand-offs on "third and short situations", but that down and distance is not applicable in company's current "offense", so limited-to-no experience is needed in this area.

Someone who gives a crap: Any experience at all with failing at something and suffering disappointment that serves as motivation to improve would be much appreciated.  Current employees seem to lack this trait, as recurring failure is met with glazed-eyes and looking around at those around them to identify the problem.  If you've ever pumped your fist in the air in joy, you're probably over qualified.