In the words of the inimitable Daily Show Correspondent Rob Riggle, TO THE FACE! In case LeGarret Blount's Iron Mike impression didn't get you jacked and pumped for this weekend's FOOTBAW festivities, here's something that will.

It's the Friday before the home opener and there's nothing I'd rather be doing than waking up hungover, stumbling out of bed in my windowless Madison St batcave, grabbing my car keys and less drunk driving to Chipotle on Grape Road to layer a 2 pound baby in my stomach to soak up the GBO (Guaranteed Black Out, i.e. $10 pitcher of Long Island Iced Tea, RBV, or Rum and Coke) formula from the night before. But since I can't do that, here's the next best thing- a preview of 8 things/events/sightings that will probably/hopefully happen on this most glorious of college football weekends where hope springs eternal- at least until Notre Dame fails to score on its first offensive possession.   

The Jake Locker Freedom Festival

Is there anyone in college football universe over the past 2 years who is more deserving of your sympathy than Jake Locker? I say no. Imagine being a 6'3", 225 pound wrecking ball with a rocket arm and having your coach, The Molder of Men, tell you "You know what Jake, a real leader doesn't need plays or a game plan to make things happen on the football field of life. Just go out there and play some Husky football." So, thank you Steve Sarkisian for (assumedly) unleashing this beast on the college football world. Even if we have to deal with his newfound swagger and confidence about a month from now.

Pete Carroll's first excited head butt of Matt Barkley  

Do me a favor and follow Petey on twitter and try not getting jacked and pumped when he says things like " do you believe that it's already thursday??? almost there!!" Hopefully a frat as fuck headbutt from Petey knocks Matt Barkley out of action against San Jose St. and forces Mitch "Is it time for me to transfer yet?" Mustain into the fray. Fight On.

The first inappropriate College Gameday sign  

Odds of it being EA related (-550).

Odds that ESPN production truck blurs that sign out or sends one of its henchmen to rough up the offender (off the board).    

Sam Bradford's rude awakening  

(After getting sacked during the 2nd step of his 5-Step drop for the 4th time in the 1st Half) "Duke? Phil? Jon? Where'd you guys go? We had so much fun last year just throwing the ball all over the place to Juan and Jermaine. And I don't care what people say about Mitt Romney, those Mormon boys are real nice. They keep helping me up every time I get knocked down. They even offered to help me get the grass stains off my nice white pants at half time. But I could be hearing things because they said their wives would be more than happy to do it. That's crazy talk."  

The opening of a second front in the (now) annual ND tailgating war

All won't be quiet on the Western Front anymore. What would be better than students and supportive alums sending a volley cheer (of Keystone Light cans) towards the friendly NDSP and Indiana State Excise Underage Drinking SWAT Team this weekend by opening a second tailgating front on the old 9 hole golf course, forcing them to split their ranks and defend the Eastern Front at the Library and Joyce lots while simultaneously enforcing Puritan behavior in the uncharted wilds of the Burke Golf Course? Battle of Stalingrad anyone? To quote the recently departed and tailgate enthusiast Teddy Kennedy and whose words should serve as a rallying cry for those brave souls who dig into the tailgate trenches this weekend:  "For all those whose cares have been our concern, the work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives, and the dream shall never die."  

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN LAST CALL???" 

Sprint O'Clock  

(Overheard in the Library lot at approximately 2:32 EST) OH NO!!@##!# I ONLY HAVE ONE HOUR OF DRINKING TIME LEFT UNTIL KICK OFF, IT'S SPRINT O'CLOCK. HALVES... HALVES... HALVES...HALVES.    

An NDNation Gameday Board Meltdown

IS IT NOW ILLEGAL TO USE A FULLBACK? RUN THE FUCKING BALL WEIS.    

MICHAEL FLOYD

Just as things are looking bad for the Irish early on....Glass shatters ... (pause to cue up the Jim Ross voice) GOOD GOD THAT'S MICHAEL FLOYD'S MUSIC!!!!