Preseason practice is already upon us and with unbridled optimism fueling even the most despondent of Irish fans - a 400 pound hang clean from Ian Williams????@#??@, gee whiz he's strong! And oh boy, Jimmy worked out with his receivers in California! He's becoming a leader, just like our Brady! - it's time to examine your collective expectations for the 2009 season. Inspired by our friends at Cosmo, here's a quiz that will reveal your deepest, darkest hedonistic passions about Notre Dame football.

1) How many wins would it take this season for you to feel comfortable with Coach Weis keeping his job for 2010?

A - Well, we're going undefeated - Trojans Break! - so this is a moot point.

B - At least eleven.  Have you seen our schedule?  It's an embarrassment, and so is the fact Weis was kept after last year. It's like Kevin White never left.

C - It's tough to say without knowing the quality of opponents and injuries and stuff. I just hope we show consistent improvement over the course of the season.

D - Wins and losses aren't as important as how many times we run the ball!  But we should be undefeated. No excuses. Ara won a national title in his third year.

2) What do you typically find yourself saying about the Irish offense?

A- "Last week on NCAA 2010, JC threw for 710 yards and 8 touchdowns, but I know that's just inflated video game stats. I'm a realist. But basketball on grass sure is fun, Jimmy needs 60+ attempts just to get into a rhythm."

B- "Was it my imagination or did Jimmy just keep mouthing the words "go deep" to Golden at the line scrimmage all game?"

"No, I saw that too. And I saw Charlie nodding in approval behind his play calling sheet and stroking Jimmy's hair between series."

C-  "Our offense really seemed to be clicking on all cylinders but then Jimmy kept hot-routing at the line and chucking it deep. And where did Armando Allen go? Did he even get on the field in the second half?"

D-  "What happened to goddamn smashmouth football?  Do we even recruit fullbacks anymore!?"

3) What do you think of Notre Dame's scheduling policies?

A - Shows that the Athletic Department is at the forefront of competitive innovation. Everyone knows you can't compete for national titles if you don't go undefeated. And that's the only way to get recruits who run 4.16 40s and bench press 670 pounds.

B- Embarrassing. We should be playing top 25 teams every week. And not in San Antonio.

C- Not the best, but certainly not the worst. At least there aren't any 1-AA teams on the schedule. (Ed Note: This poll was created before the NCAA relegated Washington St to the FCS in favor of Northern Iowa).

D- Schedule? 1988, that was a schedule! We shouldn't be playing anyone not named Texas, Oklahoma, Florida, LSU, Georgia, Alabama, Southern Cal, Ohio State, Michigan, or Penn State. Except for Army and Navy of course. History.

4) What's your opinion of current Notre Dame President, Father John Jenkins?

A- Who's that, the team chaplain? I really like it when he flaps his arms on the sidelines during games. But why does he wear all black with a white collar? It makes him look like a penguin. He really should be wearing an authentic jersey so that everyone knows he supports the IRISH. Like a #9 ZIBBY jersey. I just know he's going to be starting for the Ravens this year. AT LINEBACKER! (Simulates a Zibby knockout punch).

B- Fredo, I know it was you.

C- He seemed to be teetering a bit during the whole Obama debate, but he had one helluva speech at Commencement. I didn't know he had it in him.

D- I'm not at liberty to discuss his name in public because of a pending lawsuit resulting from my actions on campus in May 2009.

5) What head coach would you most like to see roaming the Notre Dame sideline next season? 

A- Charlie, Jr. I heard he's been playing NCAA Football on his playstation since he was 4. I know an offensive coordinator prodigy when I see one.

B- (Rants about not pulling the trigger on Weis after the USC debacle last year. Can be heard muttering the words Kelly, Godfather offer to Urban, and something about not exploring Saban as a candidate in 2004).

C- I would be fine with one more year of Weis as long as he shows some committment to correcting his flaws. But if not, let's have a replacement head coach in mind when we fire him. I really can't take another hiring process like the last two where fans are forced to wait an interminable amount of time while the media pounces on the school's indecisiveness.

D- Pop Warner, Paul Bryant, Amos Alonzo Stagg, Knute Rockne, Tom Osborne, Ara Parseghian, or even Vince Lombardi if we could somehow hire him away from the NFL. I'd be really happy with any of them.

6) How do you react after a Notre Dame victory?

A - Pounding beers with the brosephs at the tailgate, then moving onto The Backer! 32 oz Long Island Iced Teas!  I'll sleep when I'm dead (Or when Pete Carroll is!  Screw USC!)  Go Irish!

B - I just enjoy the fact that I won't feel a gaping hole in my soul for six more days.  Odds of winning two in a row?  Not great.

C - I try to take every win at face value. A 7 point win over Navy after squandering a 21 point lead in the 4th quarter doesn't merit the same reaction as an improbable victory over Pete Carroll and the Trojans.

D- If it's not the national championship game I could care less.

7) Who is Notre Dame's biggest rival?

A- Oh that's an easy one. BC. The Holy War! The battle for the Ireland Trophy! I just wish we could beat them. I don't think we ever have.

B- Some asshat will probably say BC. That's the type of fanbase you get when you play a watered-down, toothless schedule devoid of natural rivalries.

C- I really wish I could say USC, but is it really a rivalry if one team consistently dominates the matchups? It's like what Yogi Berra said to Bernie Williams during the 1999 ALCS in reference to the Yankees' "rivalry" with the Red Sox, "relax kid, we've been beating these guys for 80 years."

D- Army. Before the invention of the forward pass. When men were men.

See your true colors after the jump.

Mostly As - Congratulations, you are an eternally optimistic and unrealistic Notre Dame fan!  If you can achieve it on Junior Varsity level on NCAA Football, the team can achieve it on the gridiron.  Rise and Strike! There hasn't been a game you thought the Irish shouldn't have been favored in since you started following the team, and you don't understand why everyone wants to run Charlie Weis out of town.  (NASTY!)  You love the aerial assault and putting points on the board more than everything but winning.  Your uber-optimistic posts on rival sites and boasting around the office cause your fellow Notre Dame fans grief, but you stick with the team through thick and thin, always sure that the sun will indeed come up tomorrow. Speaking of the tunnel, you want nothing more than to have the chance to lead the team out of Our Lady's tunnel in front of Touchdown Jesus with the student section chanting your name and your father wiping a tear from his eye after exclaiming, "This is the greatest sight these eyes have ever seen."

Mostly Bs - Congratulations, you are a totally pessimistic, beat-down, glass-is-fucking-empty Notre Dame fan!  At this point, you're not quite sure why you're even following the team, between the shitty coaches, downward spiral of scheduling and mysterious Powers That Be that don't even want Notre Dame football to succeed in any way.  You're sad because you've always loved the Irish, and you're certain they're one or two more bad seasons away from fading into irrelevancy.  If there's a good opponent playing in South Bend and the Irish are fielding a competitive squad, you'll go, but the only joy you get from the program is from victories. You'd drink away the sorrows but you don't want to get hauled off to St. Joe County Jail until you sober up on Sunday morning at 7:30.

Mostly Cs - Congratulations, you are a middle-of-the-road, basically realistic Notre Dame fan!  Every August you try to balance the excitement and hope for a championship season with the realization that the team is probably going to hurt you in some way.  You'll always love the Irish - you're an alum, or perhaps you just always watched them on Saturdays with your grandfather growing up - but you realize the helmets might not shine as brightly as they used to (must be NBC's shitty output quality, let's agree to blame Pat Haden).  You're certain that the Irish should be able to reclaim the glory of yesteryear, but you've also been to Austin and Los Angeles and understand how a seventeen year old might react upon landing at the South Bend Airport.  You also realize that Knute Rockne is not walking through that door, and that top-tier coaches might not want to leave a sweet gig at a winning program just to say they rebuilt the Irish.  You don't love anything more than a game day in South Bend, but you also know the deep hurt of Irish disappointment as well as anyone.  Your own personal hell involves repeated clips of the BC game winning field goal in '93 followed by Dwayne Jarrett streaking down the sideline in '05.

Mostly Ds - Congratulations, you are a bitter old Notre Dame fan that no longer derives any fun from following the team!  In your mind, things started going to hell once the women were let in, and it's only gotten worse from there. You've been heard muttering the phrase "A foreign-born, part-time socialist, full-time abortionist speaking at graduation at Our Lady's University? You won't see another dime from me." You're positive that you're not even really playing football unless it's the sort of down-your-throat running game you watched back in the day.  In your mind the spread offense is just some pussified gimmick that will quickly pass, and that if Weis really wanted to rebuild the team, he'd start focusing on the fullback position, because seriously, RUN THE BALL, you lily-livered wusses!  You hate young fans who seem to be enjoying themselves at the game - drinking heavily, painting their bodies, seemingly there to have a good time with their friends as much as to see a victory - because without winning, there is no joy, and there hasn't been any joy in your life since January of 1989.