Hello, Bob - woah, hold on there, please don't shut the door just yet.  I know you're tired of all these guys asking you if you're going to Notre Dame or staying at Oklahoma, but just hear me out.  I came all the way down here from South Bend, could you give me but a few minutes of your time?

Thank you.  Now, as you know, we have a bit of an opening for our head coaching position and I'd be thrilled - just thrilled - if you'd accept.  Now I realize things are going pretty well down here, save for a spot of injury bad luck this season, but have you considered the challenge of restoring the most storied program in history to its rightful status?  Think of the adoration Nick Saban is getting down at Alabama, and those hillbillies don't have half the cache - and cash - that we have up in South Bend. I ‘m not sure if you realize this, Bob, but we have real gold on our main building.  Just because we can.  And we put more gold on it every few years just because it's not shiny enough, so when we say money is not an obstacle, we really mean that money is not an obstacle.

Well, of course I know you're well paid here and love Norman, but come on, Bob!  Aren't you tired of having to recruit against Mack Brown and his grandfatherly charms?  Plus you're a good Catholic boy from Ohio, surely you know how important Notre Dame football is to so many people.  Do it for the Pope, Bob!  People will tell you the Fighting Irish are irrelevant, but I don't think any other programs get the lead story on NYTimes.com just because they jettisoned a coach.  Don't you want your own headline, Bob?  "Good Catholic Saves Notre Dame Football, Vatican Smiles."  Don't you want that?  Don't you want this challenge, and the glory?  Wouldn't that make all those folks at Cardinal Mooney proud?

I hardly think I'm wasting your time, Bob, just give me two more seconds.  Don't you want to know what these balloons are for?  Do you remember Publisher's Clearinghouse?  Of course you do!  Well this is just like that.  Zombie Ed McMahon here has a nice giant check on him - no amount written in yet, you'll notice! - and we're just trying to recreate those great moments from the 90's.  You remember the 90's, don't you, Bob?  When Oklahoma was an irrelevant program nobody cared about until you came and saved it?  Oh, the camera crew?  Well, they're here to capture the absurdity of a man turning down ten million dollars a year to coach a little football. We're offering you a blank check to get mentioned in the same hallowed halls as Rockne, Leahy, Devine, Parseghian, Holtz.  Did you ever see Rudy?  No one's ever made a movie about that damn wagon, am I right or am I right?     

Okay, that was a low blow, Bob, I don't mean to offend your current program.  It's a fine program.  Did you know they hold the longest collegiate winning streak of all-time down here in Oklahoma?  Yeah, do you know who ended that?  That's right, Bob, we did.  The University of Notre Dame.  Aren't you tired of playing all of your games in the middle of a Dust Bowl?  How'd you like a yearly trip to California, and treks to the east coast, and SEC country, and the Big House?  God, wouldn't it feel great to beat Rich Rodriguez like a drum, Bob?  Remember how him leaving inspired those stupid Mountaineers to run all over you in the Fiesta Bowl?  And wouldn't you like to get your hands on Pete Carroll again after that whole Orange Bowl debacle? 

I'm sorry, Bob, I'm sure those are sore spots, I didn't mean to bring them up.  Listen, no one is going to care about these big game losses at Notre Dame.  We went a good decade and a half between bowl wins.  We'd be flattered to go 12-1 and lose the championship game.  The people are beaten down, Bob, and we need a savior.  So what I'm going to do is I'm going to write a number down on this slip of paper, and you just add as many zeroes as you want to it, and we'll get that drawn up and you can sign it.  Do you want a championship bonus?  Like, say, fifty million if you win a championship?  A hundred million?  We'll pay you whatever you want, why don't you just come on up north.

Oh, I heard you're building a new house, Bob, and that is just fine with me.  Have you seen Up?  I know, Dug was just too hilarious, that is exactly what a talking dog would say.  Well, we're ready to do that with your new estate - load it up with a million brightly colored balloons, pumped full of the finest helium around and drift it up north - and then once the jet arrives in South Bend, we'll take you and your family there and do a big reveal like on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.  Ty Pennington could even be there if you want!  Or not, if you don't like Ty Pennington!  Yeah, me either, he creeps me out, too.

So what I'm saying is that this is the opportunity of a lifetime, Bob.  You've coached at the Swamp and you've coached in Norman and those are certainly great places, but there's nothing like Notre Dame on a football Saturday.  The sun always shines on the Irish, Bob, and it would shine the brightest on you.  Here, why don't you just try on this nice blue and gold visor and just see how it feels?  I bet real snug.  Too forward of me?  I'm sorry, Bob, but the people are impatient and I'm just trying to get this done.

Are you sure you have to go?  Before we came here, Zombie Ed, the camera crew and I made a little pit stop in Arkansas.  That's right, Bob, we broke singer-songwriter TI out of jail, and he has a little promise to you. I don't even know what "stacks on deck" are, but I'll give you as many as you want if you sign this piece of paper.

Well - Bob, hold on there - I understand you may have left the oven on, but if you could just give me a few more minutes of your time, I really think I have an offer you're not going to be able to refuse.  I'd hate to have you and Carol wake up tomorrow morning with a little something extra in the bed.

No, no, of course that wasn't a threat, Bob.  Oh, that's fine, you call me, I won't call you.  Make sure you call the cell, I'm going to be out of the office for the next few days.  Bob, all you have to do is tell me you're not interested, and Ed and I will mosey on out of there.  Until then, I'm just going to go on thinking there's still a chance.